Confident in feeling confident?

I've had to work on my confidence a lot over the years. How did I get from the quiet girl in the corner to who I am now?

Confidence is a funny thing. It’s something I’ve always struggled with and yet lots of people would describe me as a confident person. Maybe in the past this has been an acting skill, using the fake it till you make it rhetoric. I’ve always been told that it seems easy for me, to be able to walk into a crowd of people at an event on my own and just ‘get on’ with people. Maybe it does look like that from the outside, but I can assure you that at every single one of these times, I was a quivering wreck within and would have spent the whole day beforehand nervous about it, unable to think about anything else.

Coming from a background of struggling with low self-esteem and severe body image issues, I’ve always found it hard to feel confident in myself when out and about. I’d always be worried about what other people thought of me, sucking in my stomach and holding myself in as much as I could, and over-apologising in every conversation. I feel like this is a common scenario, especially for women. Now the me of today is sat here like, how fucked up is that? That I felt the need to apologise for my existence everywhere I went - I’m allowed to take up space just as much as anybody else!

I recently took a trip to London. A random fact about me is that I love going to watch musical theatre. I can’t get enough of it. So, in the midst of a breakup at the start of the year, my immediate emotional response was to sit down and spend any money I could spare on tickets to shows! Therefore, finding myself later in the year with lots of random trips to the theatre (thank you emotional me!).

I can admit that despite being a nutritionist bent on helping people improve relationships with their body, it doesn’t mean that I have the perfect relationship with mine all the time. As with any relationship, I have good days and bad days when it comes to how I feel in my body. I’ve just been through a period of not so good days. Bad body image days which make me not want to go out in public as I’m not feeling comfortable in my clothes or overthinking everything about myself. I didn’t even want to go on my trip to London anymore as I was getting anxious about walking around in such a busy city by myself.

But here’s the thing. I reminded myself that it’s normal to not feel ok in my body all the time. I reminded myself that everybody is walking around thinking about themselves and not thinking about how anyone else looks at all. I reminded myself that I am just as allowed to take up space as anyone else. So, I put on one of my favourite summer dresses and got on the train to London. Walking out of King’s Cross station I held my head high and enjoyed the feeling of the sun on my face. I reminded myself that I deserved to go out and have a good time and enjoy being out and about. I walked to my favourite restaurant and when the waiter asked me ‘how many people’ the table was for, I smiled at him and replied, ‘just me.’ He sat me at a lovely table in the window where I could enjoy watching the world go by as I ate. It was great.

I took time to enjoy dessert (sticky toffee pudding, if you were wondering!) which meant walking around afterwards with a full stomach visibly sticking out, which would have really bothered me in the past. I reminded myself that I’d just enjoyed my favourite food and I was full, and my body was allowed to be full. I didn’t let it affect my day or let negative thoughts take over. This was a good day, a day for me to take some time off and enjoy doing the things that I love. What was there to feel bad about?

After dinner, I headed to the theatre and took my seat in the middle of the row, surrounded by couples on all sides. I said hi to the strangers on either side of me, acknowledging the great view we all had of the stage. After the show the streets of London were packed with people spilling out of bars - buskers, performers, harassed looking office workers, tourists – everybody and anybody! It was a great atmosphere which I revelled in wandering around, enjoying this time alone, but not alone.

Sitting on the train home, I felt that I was sitting a little taller and feeling a lot brighter. Turns out I really needed that trip. As someone who spends the majority of time working from home, it’s easy to slip into negative thought patterns and let those rule my head. Being out in public, being forced to work on my confidence and self-esteem in the present moment to feel ok was really needed.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been working on myself for a long time now, I’m not saying it’s that easy to click your fingers and suddenly feel confident and ok in public. It takes time and practice. But coming home feeling like a completely different person has forced me to think about what I’ve changed to get here. How did I go from that meek person in the corner who wouldn’t say boo to a goose, to someone who can walk through a crowd smiling, with her head held high?

A few of the things I’ve worked on over the years which have really helped my confidence are:

·       Working on my own self-esteem. The better I feel about myself, the less reason I have not to be confident when out and about. Have you heard that phrase confidence starts within? Well, it’s true. Working on respecting and liking myself as a person – why shouldn’t I feel confident about myself? If I have confidence in myself, it helps at all levels.

·       Letting go of feeling the need to be at a certain weight. I remind myself all the time how worthy I am at any weight. My weight doesn’t define me, it’s the least interesting thing about me.

·       Fake it till I make it. I’m certain I can’t be the only one at an event feeling really nervous - in fact most people probably are. I remind myself how they are all just people like me, so what’s the worst that can happen? Smile and say hello. I can still come across confident on the outside even when not feeling it on the inside.

·       Reminding myself that bad body image days are about how I’m feeling on the inside. My body hasn’t changed since the other day when I was having a good day. Nobody else is looking at my body the way I am and judging it. So, get on with your day, don’t waste it.

All of these things have helped but the biggest thing for me is letting go of other people’s expectations and to stop caring about what anyone else thinks of me. This is a huge one, as ultimately isn’t that what not having confidence is – being worried about what other people think? Everybody comes from different backgrounds and their own prejudices, just like yourself. If you come across someone judgemental, remember that it’s their problem, not yours. As you know yourself, you don’t need anyone else’s approval to thrive. If I like myself and I know I’m a good person, it literally doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of it, as I’m being myself. If somebody doesn’t get on with me because of anything like that, they are not the type of people I want to associate myself with or be friends with. I only want to attract the best people into my life anyway.

As I walked around London, in my favourite dress, feeling confident in my skin, it felt great. I had a really good time, and I can’t believe I almost let my anxiety at the thought of being in public stop me from going. So, this is a message for YOU – do the things which make you feel uncomfortable - it’s the best way to grow. Book yourself treats and outings into your calendar – you deserve them. Hold your head high when you’re out and about – you are an amazing person who is worthy of taking up space. Don’t let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

If you have enjoyed this newsletter and haven’t already, please subscribe! Newsletters will be released weekly on all topics to do with nutrition, body image and my own healing journey! If you would like to find out about how you can work with me, you can do so here.